When Master Yen Sid said that things might change when I went back in time, he wasn’t kidding. The events that occurred before--the ones when the Island disappeared and when Sora fought Riku---they were the same. Exactly the same, but this time I paid more attention to my surroundings. It was quite the experience to see both sides of what happened. I vaguely remember the events the first time they occurred; I would see two different things at the same time and be confused at which ones were real. I thought it was a dream merging with another dream.
Looking at the events that occurred again in full awareness, it’s scary and sad. I debated whether to tell Sora and Riku of this timeline what happened on both ends if I ever saw them again. However, things got complicated. I remember exactly how I felt on the Islands living the “normal” life. I go to school, I go home, I attend my duties as the adoptive daughter of the mayor, I’d play with Selphie, Tidus, and Wakka, I’d spend countless hours looking at the small Children’s Island. My memories of Sora disappearing while the memories of Riku were intact and then suddenly remembering the forgotten boy’s name after releasing my bottled letter into the ocean. When I was kidnapped by Axel, Lea’s Nobody, I felt so helpless and weak. I wasn’t able to defend myself; I was scared. However, I found something that changed my perspective of him--he wasn’t a total bad guy because he wanted to save a friend he lost. At that time, I didn’t know who he referred to. Later on when I began my training with him, I remember him telling me he meant he wanted to save Roxas. He also wanted to save Saix, the Nobody of Isa, his former friend. It was hard for me to accept that Saix was also the same boy that used to watch after me with Lea when we were all kids. I begged the question of what happened between those two when they entered the Organization. Lea wouldn’t tell me and I didn’t push him. Darkness can change people paired with losing a home of friends and family. I can understand why he had lost hope and eventually the light within. I can’t say exactly, but I had similar feelings when I came to the Islands. Then again, I had it “easy.” In this timeline, things have completely changed. Unlike fleeing like a scared child after Sora released his Heart for the sake of releasing mine, I ran with Donald and Goofy to get away from Ansem, the Seeker of Darkness. I didn’t want to risk exposing myself wielding a Keyblade in front of him so as the three of us stood in the Lobby surrounded by Heartless, I managed to summon magic spells. Admittedly, they weren’t of the highest level considering that only my mind and memories traveled back in time to the small body of mine. Luckily, I traveled a little back in time before the completion of the raft and when the Darkness took over. I was able to practice my magic spells, but it wasn’t enough time to fully develop my skills. To my credit, the magic spells I have now are quite effective! “Since when were you able to use magic, Kairi?” Donald asked after we cleared a large amount of Heartless. Right when I was about to tell a little white lie, Goofy informed there’s another Heartless just looking at us. Without having to look at my old memories, I just knew that it was Sora. I confidently approached the Heartless then kneeled to give it a hug. “Kairi! What are you doing?” “Sora. Come back.” Bright white light shone and in the midst of it, I can feel a familiar warmth emitting from a familiar person--Sora is back. As touching as the reunion is, we couldn’t stay long because of the Heartless swarming the area now. We escaped to the gummi ship and took refuge in Traverse Town like last time. But… “I didn’t know you were able to use magic, Kairi!” Sora had his signature grin that means he’s proud of me. I guess Donald asked Sora if I was able to use magic before. “Oh?” I gave a cheeky laugh. “Well, I learned from the best.” “Huh? Who?” “You, silly!” “Me? But my magic isn’t that great! And how did you know I can use magic?” I tapped the left side of his chest, where the heart is. “Because I was always with you, I was able to experience things that I never thought would happen,” I retracted my finger back to see him place his own hand on his heart. “Because you were always with me?” “She meant she was always in your heart.” “Uh-huh!” I gave the best embarrassed smile I could give. “I always saw you use magic so I thought that maybe I could try it too. I wasn’t sure if it’d work, but I’m glad that it did.” “What?! So that means that you didn’t know how to use magic before then?” “Nope!” I giggled at his downcast look. “It doesn’t matter now. You have a mission to do, Sora.” He looked up at me with seriousness. “Right! I have to defeat Ansem and bring Riku back. That way, we can all go home!” I only nodded with a bittersweet smile. I reached into my pocket then handed him the Lucky Charm. “Be sure to bring this back to me.” “Don’t worry! I will.” “Don’t ever forget. Wherever you are, I’m always with you.” “Of course!” Just like that, Sora went back to Hollow Bastion to defeat Ansem, the Seeker of Darkness. I didn’t sit there idly; I ventured out to the other Districts to practice my magic. I didn’t want to risk summoning my Keyblade in case I’m being watched so I had to rely on my magic for now. The problem is that my body isn’t used to using this much stamina so the use of various magic spells tired me out faster. I had to use some of the munny I collected after each wave of Heartless--I still wonder why they carry munny-- to purchase some Potions, Ethers, and few Elixirs. I only have a few more hours at best to get as much practice as I can with actual moving targets….perhaps it’s best to visit Merlin instead. I’ll have to fight through hordes of Heartless along the way anyway. “Ah! You must be the Princess of Heart!” Merlin, one of the great wizards who trained me with magic, greeted me. “What brings you here?” “I would like to improve my magic skills. Please.” “Magic? It’s unheard of a Princess of Hearts wielding magic abilities.” “Please! I don’t have much time before I must return to my home world.” Merlin looked at me with uncertainty then released a sigh. “One can’t learn magic in just a few hours. It takes years of practice; however, you did ask to improve your magic skills, correct?” “Yes. I already learned the basics and used magic against the Heartless as I came here.” “Is that so? Then given the time limit, we mustn't dilly-dally! Come!” Instead of waiting for him to test me in what I already know, I decided to go ahead and do it. I didn’t have enough time to go through the tutorials--I need to get strong to help Sora and others later in this timeline. I internally apologized to Merlin countless times as I rushed through the course. It wasn’t until that he stopped me to give me a book about magic spells. I remember reading through his book piles learning new magic spells, but this is one book that I haven’t read yet. It was something that he said wasn’t right for me. It’s possible his reasonings for giving me this book now is because he knows how dire the situation is. “Are you sure? I don’t know when I’ll be able to give this back to you.” He looked at the book with a fond expression. “My dear, I believe you will need this book for the journey ahead. Much like you don’t know when you’ll return this book to me, I don’t know when I’ll be there to guide you. But I do believe that we will meet again.” I smiled and clutched the book closer to my chest. “I swear to never lose this book! Thank you so much!” He placed his worn hand on my shoulder with a content smile. And just like that, I watch on the shoreline of the returning Islands that Sora is yelling something that I never got the chance to hear. I completely forgotten about that moment and it didn’t matter anyway because things weren’t going to be the exact same. At least that’s what I thought. It’s only been a few weeks since the Islands came back. No one else remembered what happened that night except for the black storm. I remember the first time when I asked about that night and some thought I was crazy or something. That died down and things continued as if nothing exciting happened. This time, I didn’t bother asking what the others thought about that night because I focused on improving my magic skills. Keep in mind that I had to continue with my daily life of going to school, doing activities, and keeping up my tasks as the mayor’s daughter. Not to mention that there wasn’t a secret place on the Island for me to train--even the private garden that my foster father has. So the best option was the Children’s Island. Naturally, I had to figure a routine to train everyday because of school and that kids would still play on the island. I settled on training in the evening to late hours. It’s risky because there are watchmen on the main shorelands scouting about and I’m pretty sure that people would panic if they saw a huge fireball appearing out of nowhere! Or see sudden lightning strikes when there’s no storm. So for that situation, I had to conjure up a Mirror Dimension, a space in reality that doesn’t disrupt the nature of reality. Essentially, I become invisible and can do whatever I want in this space. The downside of this spell is that people can become lost in this space because they confuse reality with this mirrored reality. During my battle against Young Xehanort, I had to bring him in this dimension when we confronted each other in a crowded city. I didn’t want to risk the lives of the bystanders so this was the best option. Another downside of this spell is that it requires a large amount of energy and concentration to conjure and maintain this space. When I fought Young Xehanort, it was an easy task; with my current self now, it’ll take a while. This is what I mainly focused on for my training. Fortunately, I was able to summon the space but maintained it for a few minutes. Before, I could maintain it for hours. However, this amount will suffice for now and it’s all that i needed. By now, my magic skills upgraded to Level 2. It’s an achievement given how little time I had before HE appeared on the Island. By the time I finished my training, it’s night time. I ate under the stars with a few small white balls of light I created--to be honest, I made these up when I was playing around with magic spells before. After eating, I sighed. “By now, they should be in---!” I immediately got to a stance as I faced in the direction where the portal appears. The all too familiar black coat bearing figure walks through then the portal closes behind it. “Who are you?” The hooded figure didn’t say anything but took a step forward. I motioned the balls of light at the figure’s direction; while they may have dodged it, they didn’t expect the light to suddenly explode in a larger radius. The damage is quite effective because it brought the intruder to its knees--I didn’t waste anytime and conjured Blizzara. The ice latched onto its body and slowly crept its way further. I knew the ice wouldn’t be enough to stop them, but it’s the best I can do for now because I’m saving the rest of my remaining stamina to summon Reflera or for Cura or Level 1 spell. The hooded figure slowly stood up with the ice shattering in the process. “What do you want? Why are you here?” Still not saying anything. Instead, the figure begins circling me. “Did they come to kidnap me? But why? Do they plan to use me against Sora and Riku?” I moved closer to the water as the figure continued to circle me. When my foot was touching the water, the figure suddenly charged towards me. I waited until he was within arm’s reach then I moved to the side. I summoned thunder around my fists and attacked with quick jabs; the thunder transferred to his body. He staggers giving me the chance to do more hand-to-hand combat damage with fire this time. The small fires latched onto his coat burns parts of it, but with one swing of his hand the fire is extinguished. The next moment, the figure is bombarding me with swift moves causing me to dodge and block with a portion of Reflect. I blocked his right hook with a partial barrier; obviously, his height gave him the advantage of pushing me down. I looked straight into his face and I only saw a smirk before things got hazy. I can feel my eyes getting heavy and my body becoming limp--he used Sleep! The hooded figure stood straight to let his opponent stumble forward, but she didn’t fall forward. Clearly she is struggling to fight off the sleeping spell. “What..exactly…” She didn’t manage to finish her sentence because the spell finally got her. He caught her before she could fall to the sand. The hooded figure had the girl in one arm with her body resting against his side; he opened the portal with his free hand. The portal closes as he walks in. The hooded figure enters a room of white and other various shades of gay. There are few decoratives items such as white and gray flowers in a white-gray vase, blank portraits, a small bed with white sheets against one of the walls, and a table with two chairs. At the table sit a young girl with long blonde hair in a white dress and sandals. In her hand is a blue colored pencil sliding across the sketchbook in her other hand. She looked up when the hooded figure entered with the unconscious redhead. “Is that…” The hooded figure placed the redhead on the bed then looked back to the other girl. “It’s time.” Kairi knew that something is wrong with herself. In her head, she can feel the memories being torn apart and being rearranged. She knew Namine was working on her memory. She wants to wake up and tell her what is going, but senses another presence in the room. “Namine!” The blonde girl paused in her drawing to look at the unconscious one. “If you can hear me, don’t say anything out loud. Just continue drawing.” Namine continues to draw, but at a slower pace. “You know who I am?” “Yes. I need your help!” “My help?” “I have so much to tell you, but I can’t do anything with him keeping a watchful eye on us.” “What do you plan to do?” Another portal opened to reveal another figure wearing the same coat with its face concealed. This caused the other hooded figure to focus his attention to the newcomer. While Kairi may not be able to open her eyes, she can sense a great deal of tension being lifted off. She immediately casted the Mirror Dimension spell around the two girls. Namine being observant of her counterpart, looked around herself in surprise. “Namine.” The blonde focused her attention back to the redhead, who’s now awake but hasn’t moved. “Don’t worry. They won’t be able to hear or see us talking. I don’t have much time so please, just listen and trust me.” “Are you sure about this?” Namine asked. “What if they caught on about your plan?” “I don’t doubt one of them has already. This never happened in the first place and I don’t know why he’s doing this. But what I had just told you is all true. Since I can’t use the Corridor of Darkness portals, I’m going to have to rely on you.” Namine looked down at the sketchbook in hand then glanced at the figures waiting and watching. “I’ll try my best.” Kairi smiled. “Good. Now get back into place. We can’t let them think I’m awake.” With a nod, Namine resumed her position of drawing as Kairi closed her eyes. “How long before she’s ready?” One of the figures asked Namine. “I’m not sure. The memories she has are tied with the boy. If I break those chains before he arrives at the Castle, then he’ll forget about her.” “Proceed.” Namine looked back at the one who brought Kairi here. “It is best if those memories of each other are forgotten.” Namine looked down then to Kairi. “Is it just her memories of Sora?” “And the memories of her childhood on the Islands.” The blonde turned the page for a new canvas. She picked up a different color then began to draw. During the last thirty-six hours of Kairi lying in bed with Namine releasing the chains of parts of her memory, Xemnas introduced Roxas into The Organization. Axel is entrusted with keeping an eye on him. Namine is working on the last bit of Kairi’s memory; in truth, she didn’t expect to see what she had seen. It is confusing and she isn’t sure what to do now; however, she did what she was told beforehand. “Namine.” The blonde girl turned to face Xemnas and Saix approaching them. “Is she almost ready?” Saix asked. “Yes. I’m almost done with the last of her memory. Once it’s done, she will wake in a few hours at best.” “Are you certain that she will not remember the Keyblade Hero and her childhood memories?” Xemnas asked. “Yes. The only memories she has are her leaning about magic.” The two men watch as Namine completes the last drawing then closes the sketchbook. It suddenly glowed in a white light then it vanished. The redhead’s body twitched followed by a low moan. Kairi slowly opens her eyes, blinking to get rid of the grogginess. Despite feeling stiff for not moving for three days, she slowly sat up then stretched to relieve her sore body. When she looked around her surroundings, her eyes landed on the three people in the room. “Who...are you?” She asked in a hoarse whisper since she hasn’t eaten or drank anything. Kairi looks up when Xemnas approaches her. “Do you remember who you are?” She blinks then her brows burrow together trying to remember. “Kairi.” A sudden headache came over causing her to clutch her head. “My head...hurts.” She winced as it continued to pound her skull. Xemnas continues to watch her struggle before turning to his partner; the other man grabbed Namine by her upper arm then dragged her out of the room. Xemnas looked back at Kairi, who seems to have calmed down a bit. There’s still signs of her struggling with her memory. In his hand, a black robe appeared; he handed the robe to her. She only looked at him confused, but took it nonetheless. “When you wear that robe, you are a part of something greater.” “Something greater?” “Indeed.” He paused. “Tell me, do you feel anything?” She looked confused then looked down. She focused on what to feel emotionally. “I...don’t. I’m not sure if I can feel any emotional feelings.” Kairi looked at him. “What happened to me?” “In time, you will understand what you are. For now, you have just woken up and need more rest.” She only nodded. “So this is really happening, huh?” “Where are we anyway?” “You needn’t worry about this place. You will not be staying here for long.” He offers his hand to her in which she took. He helps her stand up; she wobbly stood up but stood on her own eventually. Kairi finally took a moment to look down at her clothes--apparently someone changed her clothes! She hoped that Namine was the one, but she really doubts it. Instead of her summer clothing, she is now wearing black leggings paired with black knee-high heeled boots and a dark gray V-neck shirt. Thankfully, her signature necklace is still around her neck. Feeling cold, she puts on the coat that’s thicker than she thought. She also felt something in one of the pockets--they are black leather gloves. When Kairi looked back at Xemnas, he extended his hand. “It’s time for you to meet the others.” In the where Nothing Gathers, thirteen chairs of various heights are all occupied. Some wear their hoods so their identity is concealed while others are revealed. “Good tiding, friends. Two new members have been chosen to wear the robe.” For those whose eyes were closed, they opened their eyes to see the newcomers. “I am pleased to announce, Number XIV, Xion.” One of the two walked in the very center of the circle platform with her hood on so no one could see her face. “And Number XV, Kairi.” The redhead appeared next to the other one through a portal and her hood was down. She tilts her head up to look at the new faces. There were hushed whispers amongst some of the members. “I expect all of you to welcome these new members.” Xemnas stated that they silenced the mumbles. “Xemnas, what is the meaning of this? Why is--” One of the older members started. “Vexen.” The older member stopped talking with one look from the Superior. “Axel, Demyx, take our new members and show them around the castle. We wouldn’t want them to get lost.” “Why do I always have to babysit?” The other redhead asked but got down to approach them. He looked at Kairi with a grim expression before he barked, “Demyx! Hurry and get down here.” A guy with a mullet came down. “Why do I have to go too? You’re already capable enough on your own.” “Quite whining. I have to look out for Roxas as well so you may as well start being useful.” The guy with the mullet, Demyx, sighed. “Fine.” “So this is what we call the training room.” Axel said gesturing the large open space. Kairi hasn’t been here before the last time she was here, but then again she didn’t have the luxury to stroll around the castle. “This is where we train the new recruits and train every now and then. So feel free to come here whenever you want.” “Will you or the others be training us?” “Probably. If that’s what Xemnas and Saix wants us to do.” “Oh great. Is this going to be another Roxas thing?” “Nah, I doubt it. Besides, these two seem more aware than he was when he first joined.” Axel waved it off. “Anyway, let’s move on.” After the tour, the two girls were shown to their rooms. The other girl, Xion, remains in her room while Kairi decided to walk around. She knew she should be resting with this headache still pounding in her head, but after three days of not doing anything, she felt the need for a little stroll. Kairi found the kitchen again so she began looking through the cabinets and fridge to see if there’s anything to eat. Surprisingly, everything is fully stocked. She wasn’t sure if her body is up for something heavy and greasy so she settled with making some tomato soup and bread. She wasn’t sure if the others would want some, but she still made plenty in case they get hungry. “Number XV.” Kairi squealed causing her to spin around with the wooden spoon in hand that’s still covered in hot tomato soup. When she looked at who startled her, she blinks and stutters an apology to the blue haired man with the ‘X on his face. Well, he also got some tomato soup on his face now. “What are you doing, Number XV?” he asks after wiping his face. “I was making tomato soup.” She moved to the side to reveal the simmering pot. “I didn’t realize how hungry I was and I didn’t want to disturb anyone so I made it myself.” She paused. “Do..you want...to try some?” He only stares at her and she blinks in response. “Make me a bowl.” Was all he said before he turned to sit on the table. Kairi nods then continues cooking the soup. “So it was you cooking.” Kairi flinched when another voice startled her. A very familiar face stands in the doorway; his book in the nook of his arm, blue-purple-gray hair covering the majority of his face, and his blank expression. “Would you like some? I made plenty in case the others want it.” “I suppose so. That mission earlier tired me out.” He took a seat diagonal to the other member while Kairi made another bowl. She watch them take a spoonful into their mouths; she let out a small smile when they either made a nod or a sound of approval. Kairi decided to take seat on the counter-island. For a while, they ate in silence until Kairi decided to get to know them. “So, um, who are you exactly?” The two men glance at each other. “So she really doesn’t remember us.” The one with the purple hair stated. “As you know, we are ranked by a number system. You are Number XV. I’m Number VI, Zexion. This is Number VII, Saix.” “I see.” “So what does she remember?” Zexion ask Saix more than her. “It’s best to ask her if you’re so curious.” Saix said. “You don’t know, do you?” Saix looks at Zexion, who only places a spoon of soup into his mouth. “There are certain things she remembers such as magic spells. Anything before that is up to her.” Silence hung in the air once more. The young redhead went to get another helping of her food; she noticed that Saix began washing his bowl. “How was it?” “It was good.” A smile tug on her lips at his curt reply. Zexion stayed seated at the table now with his large black book. Kairi grabbed his bowl. “Did you want seconds?” “No.” He didn’t glance up to see her nod then wash his bowl. Zexion peered through his bangs to look at Kairi. He didn’t understand why Xemnas decided to have her in the Organization. However, he didn’t deny the familiar sense of joy and relief when he sees her in person again. Another thing that still bothers him: does she really not remember them? Based on her facial expressions, he doesn’t see a sign of recognition. If what Saix said is true, then maybe she doesn’t remember at all. “Kairi.” the name rolled off his tongue. “What do you remember before coming to this Organization?” Kairi tilts her head as she looks upwards to the side. Zexion fought the tugging on his lips. “She still has that habit.” He thought as he waits for her to respond. “Well, I was in a different castle. It’s white like this one, but I wasn’t able to see anything else beyond the walls.” “Anything else? Saix did mention you can remember magic spells.” “I’m not sure where I came from specifically. I woke up in the other castle, Xemnas was there, another girl was there with blonde hair, and one other members was there, but I didn’t see his face. Then I came here.” “What about certain people? If you aren’t able to recall where you came from, perhaps you can recall familiar faces.” Kairi blinks at him for a moment, then hears a ringing in her ears followed by a sudden headache. She clutches her head and shuts her eyes tight. Zexion is surprised by her sudden behavior. He isn’t sure what to do so he watches her until she appears to have calmed down. Her facial expression softens and mutters an apology, “As soon as I try to remember something, I hear a ringing sound and get a headache.” “I see.” “May I ask why do you ask if I’m able to remember stuff before I came here?” “I ask because each of us has memories of our previous lives, before we lost our hearts.” He paused to look at her again. “I suppose you’re similar to Number XIII, Roxas. He doesn’t have memories before coming to this place.” “What does it mean...if we don’t have memories?” “It simply means that you have amnesia. It takes a while for a Nobody to recall the memories.” He pauses. “Perhaps yours will take longer.” “Nobody? Is that we are because we don’t have hearts?” “That is correct. We are nothing more than empty shells containing only our memories. We don’t have hearts, but we remember what it was like--that’s what makes us special.” “I see. But aren’t there different types of Nobodies? I saw them while I given a tour.” “We are of a higher rank of Nobodies. The ones you see are less than what we are. We can customize them to fit our preferences.” “Mm.” Another questions comes to mind. “What do you specialize in?” “Illusions and magic.” A smile beams towards at him. “Maybe you and I can train together? It’d be nice to train with someone with more experience.” Zexion raises an eyebrow. “I suppose so.” Eventually, the young redhead goes to her given room. Everything is white with different shades of grey and then black. There’s a bed, a desk, a large window, a low bookshelf, and lights emitting from the ceiling. She walks around the room to get used to the space; she does wonder about her closet space. On the wall across her bed, there’s an outline as if there’s supposed to be a door. She pressed her hand against the wall and head a soft click; the wall popped out so she moved out of the way to let it fully extend. Well, that answered her question. Inside the closet are coats hanging on the hangers, white, grey, and black shirts. Undergarments are inside the two drawers as well as other lady essentials. Extra pairs of boots and bath towels are present, too. She decided to shower since she hasn’t showered in about three-four days and she never felt more gross than ever. The showers are combined so both girls and boys can shower at the same time. Thankfully, the stalls aren’t see-through and it looks like no one is claiming them. There are extra shampoos, conditioners, and soaps at the counter; she grabs one of each then heads to the stalls. There are two baskets outside of each stall so she puts her laundry in one and clean clothes in the other. Kairi relaxes under the hot water for a few minutes then applies shampoo. While she may not be able to remember her childhood in the Islands, she certainly remembers something from her past: singing in the shower. She always liked to do that because it helps her pass the time. She thought about a song she helped composed before. Don’t think about anything Don’t even speak Please just smile for me I still can’t believe it Everything feels like a dream Don’t try to disappear Is it true? Is it true? You You So beautiful, so terrifying Untrue Untrue You You You Be by my side Will you promise me If I touch you I’m afraid you’d fly away or break I’m afraid afraid afraid I wanna stop time When this moment is done Would it be like a fantasy Would I forget you I’m afraid afraid afraid Butterfly, like a Butterfly Almost Butterfly, bu butterfly like Butterfly, like a butterfly Almost Butterfly, bu butterfly like You’re like a Butterfly I stare at you from afar If I touch, will I lose you? This mud like Night, you light it up A little gesture And I suddenly forget about reality You’re like stroking wind You’re like a softly lying dust You’re there but I can’t reach you Stop You’re like a dream to me, butterfly, high Untrue Untrue You You You Be by my side Will you promise me If I touch you I’m afraid you’d fly away or break I’m afraid afraid afraid I wanna stop time When this moment is done Would it be like a fantasy Would I forget you I’m afraid afraid afraid My heart lets out a desperate sound I can’t tell if it’s fantasy or reality My paradise Please don’t go deep into the woods My heart pours affection on you My feelings melt and leak (I just wanna dissolve) My love is eternal It’s all FREE for you baby Be by my side Will you promise me If I touch you I’m afraid you’d fly away or break I’m afraid afraid afraid I wanna stop time When this moment is done Would it be like a fantasy Would I forget you I’m afraid afraid afraid Butterfly, like a butterfly Almost Butterfly, bu butterfly like Butterfly, like a butterfly Almost Butterfly, bu butterfly like [Bts - Butterfly English Version]
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September 2021
AuthorHi there! My name is Kristine and welcome to my website! |